Roy Hodgson has picked his provisional squad for Euro 2016. I'm selecting none of those players and hoping to lead the Three Lions to glory.
It’s time
to name my squad for two matches which have become, for us at least, nothing
more than a glorified kickabout. Being a consummate professional I continue
with my approach of not naming the best players available to me, but deciding not to name any players in Roy
Hodgson’s provisional squad.
Find Part 1 in which little happens here and find Part 2 where we vanquish the Lithuanians and Slovenians here. Bring it
on, Switzerland and San Marino, for the last two qualification games for a tournament we've already qualified for. Here are the men of steel that I am sending to
enact my wrath upon a neutral nation and one of the worst international teams
in the HISTORY of FOOTBALL.
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| Ruddy good? Nah, not really. |
Simon
Francis’ irresistible club form means I’m uttering a sentence I previously
never thought possible by welcoming him into the England fold. This 30
year-old thought his career had reached an exciting new peak with Bournemouth’s
promotion to the Premier League, but he didn’t reckon with my ridiculous
approach to squad selection. I jettison Theodore Walcott and Charles Austin in
lieu of the in-form Callum Wilson and the theoretically decent Saido Berahino.
Incidentally, you can snap Berahino up for a cool €5.5 million on the official
Euro 2016 fantasy football game. Yes, I know, it’s a little dear, which is why
I advocate the budget buy of Rickie Lambert at $5.0 million instead.
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| He who dares wins. |
So the
inevitable has finally happened; a raft of established England stars are
seeking out my assistant Ray Lewington to moan about not being selected. Guys,
come and say it to my face if you want to win my respect, you bunch of snakes. I call them all back,
and respond particularly sympathetically to John Stones, Harry Kane, Jimmy
Milner and Wayne Rooney because they are actually playing well for their clubs
and it can’t be easy to be snubbed so that I can carry out my twisted little
experiment. I give Kyle Walker, Adam Lallana and Raheem Sterling short shrift
because they’re playing terribly for their clubs, and I look a little confused
as Glen Johnson goes on an indignant tirade. Unfortunately for Glen, he
actually had a legitimate chance of making my squad. Had, Glen. Had.
Respected
pundits question my persistent inclusion of Jay Rodriguez but my skin is
thicker than Xherdan Shaqiri’s leg muscles. And so we head for the
beautifully-named Stade de Suisse Wankdorf to take on a Swiss side seeking
second spot. 5-3-2 is the order of the day again, and here are the ingredients:
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| Crap, Switzerland have good players. And Senderos. |
Ten
minutes are on the clock when Breel Embolo drills in a cross that Butland bafflingly spills to a gleeful Tranquillo Barnetta who puts us behind for the first time
in my reign. We create next to nothing in an insipid first half. I’m starting
to lose faith in my trusty 5-3-2, as we’ve shown precious little invention or
spark. I shuffle my pack into a Hodgson-esque 4-2-3-1, with Berahino my ace in
the hole.
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| This is for you, Roy. |
We become
slightly less bad at the football, but it’s only when I introduce Aaron
Cresswell at left-back and push Luke Shaw up to left-wing do our fortunes
change. Oh, and I throw on Jay Rodriguez, maligned by pundits but with my
fervent encouragement ringing in his ears as he trotted onto the field. 73rd
minute, and Berahino helps right-back Albrighton manoeuvre sufficient space to
whip in a teasing delivery that is nodded home by none other than… Jay
Rodriguez. I am a tactical genius, I am Sam Allardyce and Ian Holloway rolled
into one sexy man child. A minute later, we break forward with pace down the
left. The advanced Shaw is chopped down in the box by Phillippe Senderos. Thank
god for players like Phillippe Senderos. Already on a yellow card, the dynamic
defender trudges to the sidelines to witness Captain Fantastic Mark Noble spank
home his first England goal from the spot.
A mere
minute later and Shaw again advances, this time unfettered by Swiss defenders
and therefore able to smash one across the face of goal for the Ox to smash
home. The Ox tale of goals continues, and it’s a super story. It gets even
better when a merciless Rodriguez powers down the pitch to find the Ox once
again lurking at the back post and hungry for another goal. After 72 minutes I
was fearful for our future, and after 76 minutes we were 3-1 up. 4-1 was the final score. We’re going to
win the bloody Euros. We are.
Time to
move through the San Marino game as quickly as possible. I send out this
attacking line-up to make light work of San Marino’s team of electricians.
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| This promises to be an intriguing tactical battle. |
Redmond
slots in Rodriguez to power home his second England goal. J-Rod later nods one
down for Wilson to prod in a debut goal. Just before half-time Berahino cuts in
from the left and curls in a pearler into the far corner. In traditional
Football Manager fashion, we can’t back up a dominant first-half with the same
in the second. And then on 86 minutes, it happens.
To be
fair, San Marino have scored against England before. Davide Gualtieri, most
famous for scoring against England in 1993, scored against England in 1993. So
it was really no surprise when Alessando Volpinari finished off a slick passing
move to find the bottom corner. I definitely wasn’t on the touchline looking a
little like this:
No matter
though, because Callum Wilson notched his second to restore my customary
three-goal advantage. Everyone is happy in the squad. Many commend me for my
team talks, and Alex McCarthy, Joel Ward, Simon Francis and Wilson are all
thrilled to have donned the England shirt against the giants of San Marino. We’re
even up to 6th in the world rankings! We are behind European powerhouses
Belgium, Holland, Germany and Portugal, so using the rankings as a barometer we’ll
be getting knocked out in the quarter-finals of the Euros. Sounds about right.
Next time:
we take on actual good teams in the shape of Spain and France. Can we continue
our record of winning every match by three goals? Can we actually have the most
possession in a game for once? Yep, San Marino mustered 51% possession against
us, at Wembley too. Things can only get worse.
