Can England win the Euros without any of the players in Roy Hodgson's provisional squad?
Can I take England to Euro 2016 glory on Football Manager 2016 without using any of the players selected in Roy Hodgson's provisional squad? I don't know about you, but sometimes I struggle to sleep at night because my mind is wrestling with some of life's great mysteries such as this one. Another mystery that I grapple with is why some people think I'm boring.
In the hugely likely event that you missed the first instalment then please direct your eyes here. It's time to dive right into the monumental occasion of the selection of my first squad. Luke Shaw
has begun the season uninhibited by injury, and has an average rating in three
league games of 9.07. Not too shabby. Ryan Shawcross is not so lucky on the
injury front. He’ll be a huge loss for this ragtag England squad. Another
absentee is Michail Antonio, because he’s called up by Jamaica before I can get
in there. This can only be described as a massive oversight on my part. No
worries though, because we have Nathan Redmond. Yay.
So this is
my squad. Feast your eyes on this footballing smorgasbord.
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| Just reading those names makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. |
The media
claim that there are no real surprises in my squad selection, making this the
most incompetent collection of journalists ever assembled. The majority of my
squad are simply thrilled to be here, with older heads like Jagielka and
Walcott less euphoric and more confused.
I announce
Mark Noble as captain and nobody complains. Has everyone gone as crazy as I
have? Luke Shaw can be my vice-captain in a role made obsolete by my intention
for Noble to be ever-present. Micah Richards is hit by injury so I call on
Calum Chambers in the Under 21 squad. When you can't pick one mediocre player never fear, for there are many more waiting to take his place.
Here are
the 11 men who will be looking around the pitch at each other against
Lithuania, scarcely able to believe what they are seeing.
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| England - Butland; Jags, Cook, Dann; Shaw, Albrighton; the Ox, Noble (C), Ward-Prowse; Carroll, Ings. Lithuania: Keeper; Defender, Defender, Defender, Defender; Midfielder, Midfielder, Wider Player, Other Wide Player Stood Slightly Further Forward; Striker, Striker. |
I opt for
an attacking 5-3-2 formation. Shaw is patently our best player and I want him
to be involved as much as possible, hence the shift forward to wing-back. I
also like the idea of Sparky Mark Albrighton whipping in crosses from the right
aimed for Andy Carroll’s greasy head. Steve Cook will benefit from the wisdom
of Jags and the strength of Dann alongside him, Noble will drop deep to dictate
play and set up the energy of the Ox and the creativity of Ward-Prowse. Up
front Carroll will look to set up Danny Ings with potent flick-ons. It all
sounds so simple. We are playing Lithuania, so it really should be.
Thirteen
is unlucky for some, but not for me. This is the number of minutes it takes for
the Ox to seize on a cleared Albrighton cross and drill it into the area, where
the big man Andy Carroll sweeps it in emphatically with his left foot. Ten
minutes later and Ings, roaming on the left-flank, curls in a wicked cross to
the far post for Carroll to slip one in off his ponytail. Ings hits the post
with the goal at his mercy after a piercing Dann hoof, but minutes later makes
amends by finding space to slot home a Noble corner.
Right now
I’m starting to indulge in a bit of Alan Pardew-esque self-loving. We’re 3-0 up
after half an hour in my first game and I’m getting a little bit too excited,
so much so that I ask Gary Neville to take charge for a few minutes while I pop
inside to change my trousers. The rest of the game passes with no incidents of
note, as I instruct my team to conserve energy in the second half. Noble
delivered a complete midfield performance, Ings made up for only completing six
passes by nabbing a goal and an assist, and Carroll thrived on our style of
play. Sure, we only had 45% possession at Wembley against Lithuania, but we won
3-0 so be quiet.
Joel Ward
succumbs to an illness so I’m forced to remember the existence of Glen Johnson
and draft him into the squad to face Slovenia. A lot of the squad members are
immensely grateful to me for giving them their first cap. No matter how
disastrously the Euros go, I’ll be etched into their favourite personnel
forever. And isn’t that what the game is all about?
I decide
to adopt the same formation against Slovenia. These guys will provide a sterner
test, boasting talents such as Jan Oblak and Kevin Kampl. Unfortunately many of
our starting line-up from the last game are cream crackered, so I’m forced into
changes. Cal Chambers steps into the ball-playing centre-back role, Sam Byram
makes his debut and Shelvey, Cork and Rodriguez are all called upon.
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| England - Butt Land; Jags, Chambo, Danny Boy; Shaw, Byram; Shelvey, Corky, the Ox; Ings, J-Rod. Slovenia? Slovakia? One of them - Oblak; Joker, Suler, Can't Quite Read That One, Brecko; Number 7, Krhin, Kurtic; Birsa, Kampl; Lonely Striker Whose Name I Can't Read AH WAIT if you click on the image it appears bigger. Job done. I can read you now, A. Sporar. |
After a
quiet twenty minutes, Shelvey nods down a ball on the edge of the box begging
for the Ox to curl in with his left-foot. Ox duly obliged, enjoying being
pushed forward into the attacking midfield role. Ings is denied by Oblak on two
occasions before the Ox steals a yard on the Slovenian defence to tuck home a
Shaw cross. Shawcross. Ha.
The second
half sees me throw on Theo Walcott, but even that can’t stop us. Byram delivers
a cracking delivery for Ings to beat a questionable Oblak in the air and snatch
his second goal in only his second England game. Ings then proceeds to miss a
sitter, hinting that he is not quite the international superstar we’ve been
waiting for. Byram continues to threaten down the right, and another superb
delivery finds the late run of Shelvey who powers home an unstoppable header.
4-0, and people are dancing in the streets. Tim Matavz manages to exploit
Chambers’ ineptitude to tuck away a consolation, but so what: we’re off to
France, baby!
Byram,
Shelvey and the Ox all excelled against what turned out to be a thoroughly
mediocre Slovenian side. This time we manage to grab 46% possession, so we’re
improving in that regard. Our game isn’t about patient probing, but electric
dashes forward. This pace and power has been too much for Lithuania and
Slovenia to handle, but we have a superfluous qualifier against Switzerland and
friendlies against France, Germany and Spain to test our credentials.
Byram and
Redmond buy me cake in gratitude for granting them their debuts, and meanwhile
in the Premier League this is happening for Newcastle and Sunderland:
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| Newcastle and Sunderland have forgotten how to football. |
Unfortunately
Newcastle’s all-round sucking has had negative consequences for Shelvey’s club
form, prompting a media campaign demanding I drop him for my next squad. But I
am the boss and I am the man who has taken England up to 7th in the
world ranking. I bow to nobody. Nothing can stop me.
Actually that's enough for today. Next time: we take on the might of San Marino and the minnows of Switzerland, I drool all over my good tie and something that has happened in only 17 games out of a possible 126 games happens. Ooft.
